Feeling: Unfocused :(

My schedule on writing these blogs may have...slipped a little. Sorry about that.

I'll catch you up on some things. Good news, I got my kitchen. Actually I believe it was installed about two or three days after I posted my last blog. Even better news! Bella, Arty and I all went to the immigration office, and the application went off pretty much without a hitch. Definitely glad Arty was there, cuz like I said, none of them spoke English - but essentially, we got a six month long temporary visa, with a 3 year residence permit pending my business plan being submitted.

So to that end, I've basically spent the last three months trying to settle in and work on that business plan, alongside doing my daily writing and pursuing personal projects. Sad to say I haven't really accomplished as much as I'd like in terms of learning German, but...these things are still in flux, I guess. Particuarly thanks to a pretty major consistent setback: sourcing my ADHD medication. Suffice to say, there's been gaps. Those gaps punch some uncomfortably large holes in my capacity to bring in income, so the fact that it's taken so damn long to find a doctor who can write me the actual legal prescription (and speaks English) has been kind of a problem.

Which I'm kinda thinking/hoping is the reason why it feels like, even working as much as I do, my savings have been coming up shorter and shorter every month. At least then I'll know it's something I can fix. I have an appointment set up for the 10th - praying this doc will accept my old diagnosis papers I brought over from the US. Until then, my anxieties about money only get sharper and sharper. Guess I'll just carry that burden the same as always. Throw it in the pile.

Speaking of anxieties and burdens - shit, man, I've been so fucked up about the things going on back home that I kinda had to stop using all the sites where I can see news (Reddit and Imgur primarily). The No Kings protests and Zohran getting elected were cool to see and all, but the fact that things don't feel like they've slowed down one bit, and in fact just keep getting worse...I just can't shake the feeling that it's gonna get ugly in a violent way. I find myself constantly thinking "there's no way everyone I know and love is going to live through this. Good people are going to die." And witnessing the edging of utter evil does even worse for my ability to live and support the precious little life I've already fought and struggled to have.

Fuckin'...I dunno, man.

Anyway. That's enough of being a downer. Life goes on - if there wasn't still stuff worth living for, first thing I'd do is catch a flight back and put some bullets between a rich fuck's eyes.

My wife's been doing well for the most part. She has her own little domain with the kitchen - all proud and bouncy about being able to run it and stock it how she pleases, to the limit of our financials anyway. She's safe, and just the constant reminder of that lifts my spirits like nothing else. And Deltarune released just last month - it was an absolute gem. I like to think I'm a damn fine writer, but...Toby Fox? Toby Fox is better. (For now, at least.)

Speaking of Toby, God, what I wouldn't do to start taking some music lessons. I've been fantasizing about going to The Music Store in Köln to pick out a nice little keyboard kit. Been hype about it ever since a friend said, "if you can score your own scenes you will become an absolute force." Hell, how can I say no? That's exactly what I want. I wanna reach out to people, grab 'em by the heart strings and help them see the things I see, feel the things I feel. That's what it's all about, isn't it? Art, I mean.

Sadly for now it's pretty much all I can do not to hemmorhage all my money while keeping up with bills.

HEY LOOK IT'S A [[DONATE BUTTON]]

Ahem. God, there's a lot to talk about. This is why I shouldn't let things slip for three damn months. I haven't even mentioned the really fucking cool thing. So, you know how last month I was in talks with someone about working on another project? Well, I got permission to talk about 'em. I'm talking about LiteMechanist, the Tech Director over at Space Colony Studios. You may have noticed SCS already has a release under their belt: the absolute gem that is Stories From Sol: Gun-Dog. I'm not advertising anything, I've just been kinda losing my mind a bit over the association. I picked up Gun-Dog shortly after it was released and reached out to the team on their Discord. I'm not even gonna lie, Gun-Dog tickled my fancy pretty much perfectly (in the sense it was basically a realization of a dream game I've always wanted to make) and I was maybe sniffing around for some additional employment.

But after strutting my stuff a bit, Lite didn't offer me a job - he basically said "I wanna work on that idea of yours. Let's make it happen."

Keep in mind, this is a guy who's put out releases on PS5, Nintendo Switch, Steam. I mean, I've had successful projects before, but nothing of that caliber. So, uh, we got contracts signed and we've been working on "Project Litkit" together for the past 2 or 3 months, in between taking care of the jobs that actually pay us. I'm hoping we'll be able to release a trailer for that soon - hell, I'm fiddling with writing a separate "Dev Log Blog" just for that. Maybe it'll net me a few more donations.

To be...completely honest, I was more than a little nervous at first. More than one person I told about this development basically said "Kit, I'm happy for you, but you need to be careful - make sure he's not trying to just screw you out of your IP." Early on, I was pretty afraid that they were gonna be right. I did make sure to take what precautions I knew to take, kinda tried to stay professional with Lite, as nice as he is. But...over time, I dunno, just...he's put in so much work on the tech, the programming, even investing some money here and there. And we talk now - genuinely just hang out and talk like friends do. So...fuck it, if he's a con-man, then he's a goddamn good one. I'm sure as hell convinced.

Anyway...business plan is done. Arty's working on translating it for me. We'll go turn it in on the 14th, and I'll be crossing my fingers till I hear back. Till then, I'm gonna count my blessings and endure these heat waves.

Feeling: Lucky

I still don't have my fucking kitchen.

I went to Poco and all. Since my bank account wasn't set up at the time, Arty went ahead and set up a payment plan in his name for me. Which...honestly, I'm not sure how I could thank him for everything he's done. Everything he continues to do for us. It really goes to show how important it is to have real friends in such an apathetic world.

Anyway. They were supposed to deliver it two weeks after that. It has now been three weeks. So I've gone a full month without a refrigerator, oven, or even a washing machine. And it's not like they have a helpline that speaks English, so there's really not a lot I can do except hang on tight. Keep getting dry and canned groceries, one backpack full at a time.

It's not all bad, though. There's a whole...story that occurred on the 13th and 14th of March. See, those were when I had initially scheduled the residence permit appointments. Only, at the time, the bank had been jerking me around, medical insurance had been jerking me around, and I'd been jerked around so much by the landlord that I didn't even have proof that I had a flat. Those three things are pretty fucking critical for residency permits, especially for freelancers.

Things were looking...really bad. Arty initially wanted to just not go to the appointments, and try to reschedule for later...but, the next appointment wouldn't have been available until fucking July. Being deported is absolutely not an option for Bella and I. I'd already sworn I wouldn't go back, it's just...not safe enough. Arty seemed sure that we'd be fine, that we wouldn't be deported even if we stayed over the visa limit. But the night before the appointment, I got this awful, awful feeling (actually it was more like a panic attack) that I needed to go, if only to explain the situation to the officer and beg for some kind of clemency.

And even though Arty had work that day, that's pretty much exactly what I did. And you know what, I dunno if I can properly describe how goddamn nerve wracking it is to ride a bus route you've never been on, in a country where you don't speak the language, to go to an administrative office where no one speaks English, all to beg for some more time from people you've never met.

But I fucking did it.

(With Arty's help over the phone, but still.)

And the resolution to that whole fucking adventure - which I otherwise undertook alone - was that I managed to get an appointment set for tomorrow, instead. And thank fuck, Arty and I got all the papers I need sorted just last night. So we're as good as we're gonna get.

At this point, I actually feel...kind of good about things? I mean for us personally, the rest of the world is pretty fucked right now. But I knew that was going to happen no matter what I do. Ever since the election, the plan has always been to find a little shoebox in Germany for us to shelter from this storm in. And maybe it's because I've been able to take my medication again, but I haven't been quite so anxious as usual lately. I've also been talking to some of the devs who worked on a game I really liked - I'm not entirely sure I can name it since I signed an NDA and all - but they seem really interested in some ideas I've had kicking around in my head for the last few months. And maybe even more importantly, I've been able to find my groove with writing again. Back to a smooth, consistent 1000 words a day, baby.

So I guess where I'm at right now is...well, for one thing, being pissed that I still don't have a damn kitchen, but other than that? I'm working on a few cool projects for some cool people. I have free time in the day. I live in a country that isn't on fucking fire. My wife and I are safe, and even if I'm kind of anxious about money, I'm not in any immediate danger like I have been for the past five or six years.

I know there's people who have it much, much worse. My friends, even some family. And I hope that soon, I can reach out to help them too.

But until then? It's...hard to complain.

Feeling: Anxious

Since Wednesday - about four days ago - I've been living in an empty flat.
When we first got here, there was nothing but the air mattress and some nonperishable foodstuffs we brought. The flat doesn't have a kitchen, most of the rooms don't have lights - there's not even any curtains. Spacious, though, which I guess will be good in the long run. There's also a functional bathroom, although the shower leaks something fierce.

We should have had a kitchen by time of writing. Alas, the furniture store - Poco, I think it's called - keeps cancelling on us. Since my wife suffers Type 1 Diabetes, this is a pretty major issue. For one thing we need a fridge to store her insulin reserves. For another, she needs a steady supply of food to keep her blood sugar up. I think we're managing okay for now, since we do have some canned soup and cereal and all, but the milk already tastes like it's starting to go, and eating cold soup out of a can every night is a bit tiresome.

Arty's been great, though. I really don't think we could do this without him. Not only did he take us in while we waited for our flat to be available, but he takes time out of his day to drive us places and get things like furniture or lunch when we need it. Just the other day, I bought a desk and chair from IKEA - nice ones, no more of that flimsy cheap "stopgap" bullshit. I plan to stay here a long time. And with those things, I'm pretty sure I can finally start working again, which means earning the money we need to make the rest of this work. So the rest should fall into place from here - we'll probably be getting some light fixtures today, and I'm hoping we can have the kitchenette put in next Monday, if not sooner.

The thing that's got Arty and my wife anxious, though, is that our appointments to apply for residency have definitely fallen through, thanks to a delay where the landlord initially cancelled our contract because we "didn't sign it quickly enough." Nevermind the fact that the contract said we had plenty of time to sign it. That delayed our move-in date by a full week, which means I don't have the paperwork that the immigration office is going to be asking for - not soon enough, anyway.
And that'd be whatever I guess? Except these appointments take months to open up. I have one set for March 14th, which I scheduled all the way back in December. There's almost no way our visas will hold out till we get to see anybody.

Thankfully I do think all is not completely lost here. For one thing, I can still schedule a new appointment, and as long as I explain that I'm still waiting on that, I've heard that I can get some wiggle room. There's also nothing strictly stopping me from renewing the Schengen Visa, assuming American-German relations haven't completely detiriorated by the time I file. And finally, there's the job seeker permit that Germany offers - I graduated uni last year, and while they're holding my diploma ransom to the tune of ~6000$, I do still have my transcripts that show I graduated, which auto-qualifies me for that permit.
It's definitely still nerve-wracking, though. We can't go back, and to lose even an inch of purchase after this leap of faith across an entire ocean is downright terrifying. But no matter what happens, I'll keep my love safe. Some way, somehow.